I started writing this before the psychiatrist told me to write to you. I am still climbing out of a darkness that, to me, is the shadow of us. You see, when I met you, I resisted loving you, but I could not be happier with anyone but you. You were my perfect wife. You gave in to me, and treated me well. You are wise beyond measure and I have always believed that God ordained us to be together, that if I had not died, I would love you forever.
But I was not good to you. I’m sorry. When our sex life declined, I looked outside of the relationship for companionship, and soon, I sacrificed the sanctity of our marriage. I always believed that more important would be not betraying you emotionally, but I was just justifying my bad behaviour. I was wrong. I started running and the only way to come to terms with myself was to keep on running – from the one person I needed, from the truth of what reality was, from my bad behaviour, from us and our marriage.
I disrespected you, and I did you harm. I was selfish and I was blind, more so, I was confused about the state of my being. Perhaps, being stupidly blind, I thought I was right, I thought everything would work out somehow. I thought, when you’re at rock bottom, there’s no where else to go but up. I was wrong again – if you’re at rock bottom, stop digging, or you’ll keep spiralling downward.
There is no point in grovelling, in begging for forgiveness. I can only try to be a better person to show you that I can learn from my mistakes and become a better person.
Our marriage is over now. But I am grateful for having had you in my life. Perhaps in life, truly there is a reason for everything and everyone in your life. You were there with me in my blindness, to prepare me for the day that I would finally see things as they are, and be a better person for it.
Thank you for being you, it is truly time for you to take care of yourself – you’ve spent all your time and heart and effort taking care of me, a selfish version of me, a blind version of me. I pray that life will always be kind to you, you are a good person beyond measure. Above all, I wish you happiness, and love that you deserve.
I pray that one day we would learn to be happy again, and our lives will still be intertwined.
With all my love,