Hello. Thank you for taking the time to visit. I appreciate comments and feedback, and more than that, conversations with you. This journal charts my journey back to self – self-awareness, self-compassion, self-love, and may detail the gory details of suffering, pain and bitterness. I am grateful for this present moment that you are here with me, within my life. Talk to me – pick up the phone, write an email, or just leave a comment.
Learning to accept has been one of the greatest lessons I’ve learnt on my journey. Learning to accept that I suck, that I am not perfect, that I have goodness in me, that I have goodness around me – has been the biggest prize on my journey.
You see, I have both chronic depression and Aspergers’ Syndrome. I dislike communication and interaction. I hide at home and try not to go out. Behind a screen, I am safe. Before you, I am vulnerable.
My first attempt on my life was on 5 May 1995. I was 13 going 14. My last attempt on my life was probably within the past 72 hours. But I have learnt to accept that this is the way I am, and to stop punishing myself for being the way I am.
Just like the Serenity Prayer – Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am a builder. I like building things. I like doing things. I enjoy routines. I am an engineer. I am a banker. In the life I have lived, building organizations, projects, systems, and people starts from the bones and the structure. Then you fill in vital organs, and networks and links that allow for communication and synergy and functionality to be optimized, before you design a skin that reflects all that you have built.
But rebuilding is a whole different business. When a business is existing, when a project has gone awry, when people behave badly, rebuilding starts with intent to destroy all that currently is.
Rebuilding one’s life starts with taking apart beliefs, making changes to our behaviours, and doing things that rock us at our cores – one step at a time. In 2002, Sir Dave Brailsford became the head of the British Cycling team – a team that had only once in 76 years won a gold medal. By 2008, his team had won seven out of ten available gold medals in track cycling at the Beijing Olympics.
How he did it was not as simple as it sounds – he decided to improve everything that goes into competing on a bike by just 1%, and he surmised that the aggregate of those many 1% improvements would lead to a significant change overall. His medal haul proved him right.
So here’s to that 1% – to do better by 1%, to live better by 1%, to sleep better by 1%, to eat better by 1%. Let’s see how it all adds up!
So I’m now counting down to my period, and taking some hormone replacement therapy pills. I’m really excited about the prospect of the functional cyst going away within the next couple of days. I’m staying positive no matter what.
I flew to Kuala Lumpur yesterday at 7:30am, to catch my appointment with the gynecologist at noon. Other than having a functional cyst, it looks like it’s all systems go. A little source of concern is the delayed cycle, but otherwise it’s all good. The past couple of weeks, in preparation for the IVF, have …
Over the past year of seeing my doctor in Bangkok, I was prescribed a low dose of risperidone, an anti-psychotic. Risperidone has the unfortunate side effect of making me bitterly hungry, and putting on a whole load of weight. The weight I put on totalled 13kilograms within a year.
I’d love to chat – everyone has a story.
Call (Thailand) : +66.99.195.0011
Call (Singapore): +65.9845.3920
The above numbers are available on Whatsapp, Line and WeChat.
The above email is also the same one I use for Skype and Facebook.
Otherwise, coffee any day is good for me to get out of the house.